


mentes sanae non in corpore non sano

by Pokegeek151



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer
Genre: Angst, Argon is a terrible therapist, Artemis goes to therapy, Artemis is a Disaster:tm: and he needs help, Gen, Kinda, Mental Health Issues, Takes place between The Atlantis Complex and The Last Guardian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28909512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pokegeek151/pseuds/Pokegeek151
Summary: Dr. Po meets with a patient he hasn't seen in a while.
Comments: 18
Kudos: 66





	mentes sanae non in corpore non sano

**Author's Note:**

> Beta by [Mentosmorii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mentosmorii/pseuds/mentosmorii)

Fifteen minutes after Dr. Po's last student left his office after their biweekly session, his desk phone lit up with a transferred call. Before he could ask, Charlie, his secretary, cracked open the door. 

"Artemis Fowl is on the line," they said. 

He didn't bother to hide his shock. "Artemis Fowl? I didn't think he still attended school here."

They shrugged. "He doesn't." They pulled the door shut and returned to their desk. 

Po wasn't sure what to think about that. What could Artemis want with him specifically if he wasn't a student? His service was to the students of St. Bartleby's, after all. It was baffling, but such was the case with Artemis Fowl. Puzzling over the young man's motives would do no good, so with a not insignificant amount of confusion and just a bit of concern, he picked up the phone. 

"Dr. Po spea--"

"Is anyone else listening to this call?" Even through the low fidelity phone speaker, he could hear fear straining Artemis' voice. 

"Artemis, are you alright?"

"Is there anyone else listening?" he insisted. There was a tense anger edging his words. 

Po glanced out into the reception area where Charlie was engrossed in some paperwork, their attention completely away from the phone. "No, no one is listening. Artemis, are you alright? I thought you had changed schools."

"Do you have time to talk? In person?"

"Yes. My afternoon is clear. What time did you want to--"

"I am outside the building, but I cannot get in without a student ID."

He hesitated a moment. Artemis had transferred out over a year ago, so technically he was not entitled to school services. But Dr. Po remembered the way Artemis had closed himself off when he was attending therapy sessions here, and the thought of that pained boy finally seeking help and being ignored by someone he had tried to reach out to hurt in a way Dr. Po could not abide by. "I'll have Charlie send you up."

><

Artemis did not look put together. Even when he had been confined by the requirements of the St. Bartleby's uniform, Artemis had always presented himself at the peak of composure and hygiene. Today, though he wasn't a sprawling catastrophe of personal appearance, his suit was rumpled and his hair was askew. The faint sheen of sweat on his brow and his heavy breathing gave the impression of recent physical activity, a fact which, if true, would be particularly extraordinary for Artemis. 

Immediately upon entering the office, Artemis pulled the blinds closed, blocking their view of the reception area. He paced a few laps, twice pausing to hold open the slats so he could ensure no one was watching. Finally, he sat in one of the faux leather chairs opposite the desk, though he was still carrying tension like a compressed spring. In his hand was some sort of small disk attached to a thin cord that he began tapping rapidly against his leg. 

"I walked most of the way here," Artemis said, unprompted. "I saw the way you were assessing my appearance. You are not very subtle, Doctor."

Po took the comment in stride. "I haven't seen you in quite a while. Do you walk regularly, now? It's a very healthy habit."

"I do not. Today is an exception."

"What made you decide to walk?"

"I did not have someone available to drive me here."

This fact, combined with the abruptness of the phone call earlier, did not paint a good picture. "Do your parents know you're here?" Po asked. "Or Butler?"

"That information is not relevant."

"Artemis, I doubt you need to be sneaking out to see a therapist--"

"I have a therapist," he said sharply, then flinched. "I am seeing a therapist," he corrected.

Po studied the young man before him. There was something off about his speech. It was stilted, hesitant, though inconsistently so. After a moment, it clicked. "Are you counting your words?"

Artemis took in a breath to speak, then stopped. "Yes," he admitted, "it helps to count."

To Po's credit, he didn't let his surprise show. "Helps what?"

"Everything. Five is a good number. It…brings safety, counteracts evil. It protects from the fours." He tapped the small disk a bit faster. 

"Are you tapping in fives?" Po asked. 

Artemis nodded. "My current therapist says it's a bad habit. He believes that indulging in rituals worsens my condition. His theory could have merit, were it not for the fact that his treatment methods are so ineffective that the rituals are the only things that bring me even a modicum of peace."

Po was stunned. There was a lot to process, a fact which itself was a lot to process. "You are being remarkably open. I seem to recall you being particularly tight-lipped about your issues."

Artemis attempted to shrug nonchalantly, though his general anxiousness worked against him. "I was a foolish child back then. What is the purpose of seeking therapy if I am unwilling to participate?"

"Are you this cooperative with your actual therapist?"

Artemis looked away. Po thought he might have miscalculated, but Artemis did answer. "My current therapist does not understand my mind, nor does he care to. Openness is unproductive, for both of us."

A faint buzz emanated from Artemis’ breast pocket. He pulled out his phone and muted it, barely glancing at the caller ID.

Po sighed. "Artemis, what do you want out of this? Why did you come here today? I am not your therapist. You don't even attend this school anymore. I am of course willing to help, but you have to tell me what you want."

Artemis didn't say anything in response, though his incessant tapping sped up just a tick. 

"Do you want a referral? You have been complaining repeatedly about your current therapist."

Artemis didn't meet his eyes. "My condition is...rather specialized. He is the only one who can even begin to adequately treat me due to the nature of his field."

"Then why are you here? Why my office? Why today?"

He didn't immediately respond, but Po was a patient man, and good at his job. He could wait for Artemis to be ready to answer. 

"I want to talk to a real person," he finally said. 

"Can you elaborate on that?"

"My current therapist would ask if I am hearing voices."

"Are you hearing voices?" he asked, with only mild curiosity in his voice. 

"No."

"Then I won't ask about it."

Artemis was quiet for a moment. 

"Though patient-doctor confidentiality does not apply when one is not officially your patient, from the time we have known each other, I know you to be a professional, and...a good man, so I assume that you will still uphold the laws in spirit."

"Indeed. Unless you are planning to hurt your--"

"'To hurt myself or others,'" he quoted. "I promise, I've no intention of harming anyone, myself included. I simply have secrets to protect, and people to protect with those secrets." He paused for just a moment, calculating, then added, "You understand."

Po wasn't sure he did actually understand, but he nodded anyway. At the best of times, Artemis was inscrutable. His 'secrets' could be anything from a history of bedwetting to literal skeletons in his closet. Even with the young man's erratic behavior though, he was willing to give the benefit of the doubt. 

Artemis did not hide his scrutiny. Whatever was showing on Po's face seemed to satisfy him, however, as after a few moments and another quick glance at the closed blinds, he took a deep breath and spoke. "Fairies are real, and I have evidence of their existence."

It took every ounce of training and professionalism Po had to not burst out laughing. It wasn't the  _ most _ outlandish statement that had been uttered in his office, but something about the serious, almost earnest way Artemis spoke struck him as almost comedic. But any break in Po's mild, almost flat demeanor could send Artemis running, so he kept his reaction contained. 

"I see," was all he said. 

Artemis' breathing was slow and deliberate, clearly a sign of forced external calm. "My condition is a result of magic combined with trauma," he continued, watching the doctor closely. 

"Is this related to your 'real person' comment?"

"Yes," he answered, seemingly satisfied with Po's agreeability. He thought for a moment, likely preparing his next words. "Of course Holly is a person, but she is inherently 'other.' Butler is a better father than my actual father, but his...background is unusual. Even my parents are still my parents. Everyone in my life is so close to me that they don't feel...normal. My condition is so entrenched in magic that everyone involved, including myself, feels unreal."

Po nodded. Removing magic from the equation, Artemis' issue was quite understandable. "Everyone you care about has a vested interest in the details of your treatment, and it's suffocating."

"Yes," Artemis said, and Po could see the tension drain out of him. "No one is able to look at me objectively anymore."

"I don't think anyone has ever looked at you objectively," Po said. "Not even yourself."

"Elaborate," he demanded.

"All relationships are emotional because humans are emotional creatures. What you call 'no longer being objective,' I think your friends and family would describe as 'being worried about you.' Even I can tell that you aren't okay. And the fact that you are reacting so strongly is a sign that you don't see yourself objectively, either.

"And that is okay, Artemis. Even geniuses are allowed to have emotions and self doubts. I understand wanting to get away from all of that attention. Really, I do. I know we didn’t talk much when you were formally my patient, but I know your life hasn’t exactly been full of positive attention. It sounds like you finally have people in your life who actually care about your wellbeing. I’m sure they won’t mind if you talk to them.”

Artemis did not meet his eyes. “That is not what I wanted you to say, Doctor.”

Po shifted forward. “What did you want me to say, Artemis? That I don’t believe you when you say magic is real? I thought you would want someone to commiserate, maybe give you some advice, but we can make this combative. You have to talk to me, though, if you want help. I’m not actually your therapist; I haven’t worked with you in years.”

“I don’t know what I want!” Artemis said, slamming the disk onto the arm of the chair. He took in a sharp breath and let it out in a slow hiss before resuming his tapping. 

“I think you need to figure out what you want,” he said gently, “and then talk to your actual therapist about it.”

Artemis’ phone buzzed again. He hesitated a moment before pulling it out. “Excuse me,” he said quietly. “I have to take this.” 

“Not a problem.”

Artemis seemed to be building up his nerve before answering. “Hello, Butler. Yes, I’m fine. I am-- Of course you did. No need. I will come to you.” He sighed dramatically. “Yes, I will stay on the line.” He lowered the phone, though he did not hang up. “I am afraid I will have to cut this short. Butler is unhappy that I...left Haven without his permission.”

“I understand,” Po said. “I hope this was helpful for you.”

“It was,” Artemis said, and Po got the sense that he was being sincere.

“Charlie can lead you out.” Despite the seeming emotional breakthrough, Po was a bit concerned that he might run again. He didn’t fully understand the relationship between Artemis and his bodyguard, but he knew that Artemis leaving without warning was unusual for them.

Artemis narrowed his eyes, understanding his motive immediately, but did not object. Po thought he might have dampered whatever connection they had built with that moment of distrust, but as Artemis was about to close the office door behind him, he paused.

“Thank you, Dr. Po,” he said, almost too softly to be heard.

“You’re welcome, Artemis,” Po said as the door was pulled shut.

**Author's Note:**

> You ever write a fanfic in your head for weeks? You imagine the scene in your head so perfectly just before falling asleep and then you wake up and only vaguely remember the details? Yeahhhhhh
> 
> (PS, the title translates to "unsound minds in an unsound body" because the boy needs to exercise)
> 
> Come check me out on [Tumblr](https://pokegeek151.tumblr.com/) if you're into that sort of thing


End file.
